First off, I will explain the title of this blog. I was leaving the grocery store recently, with my seven year old when he pointed out there was the same type of tree planted nearby that we used to have at a former home.

"I called it the Jesus tree", he announced. This took me by surprise. I momentarily had to pause what I was doing, but quickly followed up.

"Really? The Jesus tree?"

"Yes...because it was a tree that could tell us stories about the past", he explained. 

      As we drove off this small exchange stayed in my mind. My young son who had never been to a church was thinking about Jesus at what seemed like to me...random moments. I had been trying to talk to him about Jesus every now and then but sometimes it seemed like the conversations where perhaps a bit forced and too mature for his young mind. But him bringing Jesus up at unexpected times was somewhat reassuring...that maybe our Jesus talks was making an impression.

    So.. The Jesus Tree...these words have stayed in my mind ever since. It is representative of innocence, strength and wisdom. These words will stay with me for a long time as my quest for  truth in this life takes a new chapter.

     I am a former special education teacher...up until this school year, I had done this for 13 years. When I first started this profession, I was passionate about it. I simply loved what I did and felt I had found my niche in life. It energized me and gave me purpose. I also knew I was serving God. But as the years wore on, the politics of this job became quite discouraging. At that time I worked for one of the largest districts in Texas. It was also a district in trouble, financially and academically. With so much chaos it was only natural that students with special needs ended up at the bottom of the totem pole. So sad.

     I tried to make a difference. I spoke up about injustices, filed grievances, informed parents (crucial to making things change), and even wrote to law makers. I soon began to realize this battle was too big. I was wearing myself out and something within myself said it was okay to move on. I ended up changing districts...found some sanity in my location, but in the end I became completely burned out. This past June I turned in my resignation with no job awaiting me for this fall. It was somewhat of a gamble...but I knew I needed to do this. Now.. I am completely unsure of what lies ahead.

     They say the burn out rate of a special education teacher is about 5 years. Well...I lasted 13. Perhaps this is evidence I really tried to hang in there.

     As I sit and write this, my house is silent. My boys are off to school, husband off to work. What normally would have been a busy work day for the past 13 years is now a day filled with uncertainty. What now? 

      My belief is I am supposed to take this time to reflect and grow. This past summer I spent time dealing with my grief over leaving a job I loved...yet loathed (believe me, its possible). In my attempts to make sense of this I have found strength in my time praying and meditating. My relationship with Jesus has also grown. I am learning to recognize his presence is near me and that he has not forgotten me. I keep getting the strong sense that I am to follow him and trust this process though I do not know yet where I am going. 

     I decided to begin this blog as a way of processing this huge change in my life...as I stand in the middle of one of the biggest crossroads I have ever encountered. This process is lonely and somewhat isolating. I am grasping at the implications. Will I use this time constructively? Will I fall back on old ways of finding my identity through my work? Is there a balance to those two questions? 

     My hope is my understanding of my journey will crystalize into a life of purpose and service. I get the strong feeling that Jesus is the key here. I am doing my best here to let him lead the way.